If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
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in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.