“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
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[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”