I bet the best massage in the world is getting attacked by a toothless shark.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
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I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
HE’S SUPER FRIENDLY I yell as my big black dog runs full speed toward a group of screaming toddlers
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
This is an ugly term. This “Stalker”. I prefer unpaid investigator.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
My son and his friends are great … They always spray the house with air freshener before I get home