@justabloodygame

“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.

You Might Also Like

@JasonLastname

I bet the best massage in the world is getting attacked by a toothless shark.

@Darlainky

I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.

@SteveDutzy

I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.

@_Tempo11

HE’S SUPER FRIENDLY I yell as my big black dog runs full speed toward a group of screaming toddlers

@gnuman1979

Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…

@tchrquotes

What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?

@TheAlexNevil

*DOG Talks

Dog (wearing headset):

So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.

@Cryptic1iam

This is an ugly term. This “Stalker”. I prefer unpaid investigator.

@SooInnocentDad

My son and his friends are great … They always spray the house with air freshener before I get home