“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.

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I bet the best massage in the world is getting attacked by a toothless shark.


I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.


I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.


HE’S SUPER FRIENDLY I yell as my big black dog runs full speed toward a group of screaming toddlers


Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…


What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?


*DOG Talks

Dog (wearing headset):

So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.


This is an ugly term. This “Stalker”. I prefer unpaid investigator.


My son and his friends are great … They always spray the house with air freshener before I get home