“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
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remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
Home #decor warning.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.