The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
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Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
adam and eve had first world problems
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT