Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@joeljeffrey

I didnt know how to tell this guy at Home Depot his fly was down… and he didnt know how to say thanks when I tried to help him zip it up.

@slimmy_shady

Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.

@Shot_Of_Cabo

Me: I find pregnant women attractive.

She: But I’m not pregnant.

Me: Gimme a few minutes.

@sad_tree

*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so

@SthembileSimel5

Midrand traffic is caused by married men who don’t want to go home after work..

@Donna_McCoy

It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.

@chagger73

Understanding women isn’t rocket science.

Rocket science has rules and boundaries.

@SaltyCorpse

I had to breathe while my cat was sitting on my lap and now she’s disgusted with me.

@barryjohnharper

I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”

@GrantTanaka

[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football