@PearlsFromMyrna
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
@JennyJohnsonHi5
“FOUR MORE YEARS!!! FOUR MORE YEARS!!!…” – Honey Boo Boo’s teachers her senior year of high school
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@PearlsFromMyrna
@UncleDuke1969
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
@WheelTod
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
@andlikelaura
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
@LlamaInaTux
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
@shhhitsokay036
*boops you in the nose with a shovel*
@Pork_Chop_Hair
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
@msdanifernandez
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
@ThugRaccoons
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
@ThisOneSayz
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.