Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
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not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
how to market bottled water to dads
#SaturdayBears
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
why does this building look like a guilty dog
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you