FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
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I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Not all heroes wear capes.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids