That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
You Might Also Like
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
every. time.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
These 3D printers are insane!
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..