[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
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My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair