The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
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“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down and use some Lube.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
“What sins have you committed?”
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?