@Ojasism

Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?

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@SufficientCharm

The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.

@DraggingFeeties

“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”

Who?

“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”

-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having

@TheToddWilliams

[interview]

BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?

ME: No…miscommunication

BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication

ME: See?

@tigergreengrove

What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down and use some Lube.

@illTortuga

I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.

@daemonic3

SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?

ME: You’re an uber!

SON: No, with your phone

ME: Oh, sorry [types]

SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”

@1followernodad

Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough

@ninjadinosaur1

There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.

@weinerdog4life

Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.

@noog

“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*