“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
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I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.