Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
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ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
*mops up wine with cat*
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
God has abandoned us.
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
My Guy
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
Me sliding into hell like