Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.

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[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]


I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore


endless breadsticks. bottomless fries. yawning abyss of onion rings. HOWLING DESOLATE CHASM OF POTATO SKINS


{Annual Introverts Conference}

speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better


My dog just fell off the bed.

I’m glad I’m not the only one drunk around here.


“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”


I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.


My son has the worst altitude ever. He’s defiant, rude and floating like six feet off the ground.


time traveller: what’s wrong

me: i just failed college

time traveller: 2nd or 3rd time

me: firs- wait what


[on phone]

Of course I trust you, babe. Always.

*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*