Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
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Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
I have questions??
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
Every haunted house movie:
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?