Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.

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A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.


If you sit beside me, you’re part of my drumkit.


Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.


My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck


My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.

Don’t be a poser bro


Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆


ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something


Every political Facebook status should start with, “First of all, I have no idea what I’m talking about.”


Lincoln and Twilight opening the same weekend? Once again, Abe gets killed in a theater, and he’s already fought vampires once this year.