@moose_chocolate

Fox has cancelled American Idol.

From Now on, if I want to listen to bad music, I’ll have to listen to Pitbull just like everyone else.

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@harryreefeco

Our foul, evil octopus has just learnt to suck loads of water directly from the end of the tank pump, so it can spray me with even more water than usual if I (the person she hates the most) step within a foot of her tank. I’m absolutely soaked

@jon_snow_420

“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs

@Notoliviasteel

“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not

@SJSchauer

*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s raining

Neil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no

@donni

It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest

@Shower4Thought

Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.

@Phaesphoria

I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!

@robin_991

Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you

@six_2_and_even

Sometimes you just need to splash cold water on your face and wander around looking for a towel for the next 4 years

@TwinSurvivalist

There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.