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My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
we’re dead?
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.