Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
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me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.