@stevevsninjas

Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?

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@SaraThomas84

I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB

@Daddy_dougie

I buy all my guns from a bloke called T-Rex..

He’s a small arms dealer.

@robfee

My diet has slowly gone from balanced and nutritious to Augustus Gloop on the first stop of Willy Wonka’s tour.

@trojansauce

got fired from my job in the funeral home for inventing casketball

@3sunzzz

If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.

~dogs, apparently

@solsayswhaaa

I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.

@Home_Halfway

Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone

@KMoFlo_official

6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.

Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*

@Breadery

Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.