I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
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I buy all my guns from a bloke called T-Rex..
He’s a small arms dealer.
My diet has slowly gone from balanced and nutritious to Augustus Gloop on the first stop of Willy Wonka’s tour.
got fired from my job in the funeral home for inventing casketball
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.