Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
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Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
Seems legit
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly