Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
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DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD