[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
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My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh