@zuza_real

Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him

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@5hael

I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.

@Dustinkcouch

me: im not the jealous type

her: good i hate jealous guys

me: what guys. how many guys do u kno

@Rachelnoise

Every time I hold a baby I have to talk my ovaries down like a hostage negotiator.

“18 to life, man. I KNOW IT SMELLS GOOD! Stay with me.”

@upsidedowntrash

Satan: welcome to your own hell where…

me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉

Satan:…everyones a comedian.

me: haha i just like to keep it light.

Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.

me: oh god

@sarahclazarus

some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil

@ThugRaccoons

Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?

Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.

@FrenulumBreve

[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?

@HenpeckedHal

When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them

@KateWhineHall

To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.