Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him

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I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.


me: im not the jealous type

her: good i hate jealous guys

me: what guys. how many guys do u kno


Every time I hold a baby I have to talk my ovaries down like a hostage negotiator.

“18 to life, man. I KNOW IT SMELLS GOOD! Stay with me.”


Satan: welcome to your own hell where…

me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉

Satan:…everyones a comedian.

me: haha i just like to keep it light.

Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.

me: oh god


some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil


Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?

Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.


[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?


When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them


To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.