Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
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When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
Me when someone tries to get to know me
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter