ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
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Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
True statement👍😏😁
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)