Frankly auto correct, I’m getting really tired of your shirt.

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“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Made terrible sandwiches.


Red light : Stop

Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution

Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go


To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.


she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen


Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.


Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem


God: *creates oceans*

Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL

God: Get out


I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.


Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” has never had a spider disappear in their bedroom.