@newstart43

Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.

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@OhNoSheTwitnt

[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.

@thetigersez

Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.

@Brampersandon_

A new study finds that chicken isn’t as healthy for you as once thought. “Just don’t ask to see our data” clucked one feathered researcher.

@JimmerThatisAll

I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.

@squirrel74wkgn

[on an interview]

Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*

Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*

Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit

@mollzbenn

Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you a really nice house to be miserable in.

@DontTouchMyWine

My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.

@TragicAllyHere

I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode