Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
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My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
Butt weight. There’s more!
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.