Frankly it’s disgusting that you would engage in character assassination by correctly describing to people something I did in the past

You Might Also Like


My brother didnt take kindly to jail. He refused food & drink, and smeared feces on the walls. That’s the last time we’re playing Monopoly.


space republicans decree: if alien lifeform implants a egg in ur face,u must carry it to term. perhaps wear a less enticing helmet next time


Hey online media: “Comfortability” isn’t a word. The noun you’re looking for is “comfort.” And it doesn’t need you to give it a fancy hat.


Nothing like watching a 2 year old with her head stuck in her shirt collar.

I’m gonna let her fight it out for a bit.

Snacks anyone?


Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…


My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.

I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.

She threw it at her sister’s head.


Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught


Waiter: Hi! Our special today is macaroni or cheese!
Me: Wait – did you say ‘or’ cheese?
Waiter: *lifts shirt, reveals gun* Look, I’m a cop


me: [being murdered] tell my gf i love her

wife: [murdering intensifies]


Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.