@Marlebean

*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday

You Might Also Like

@ElizaBayne

“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous

@difficultpatty

I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me

@SonOfCha

Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.

@daemonic3

[home depot]

ME: do you have marble counters?

CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9

ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000

@SaltyCorpse

Stop talking about how terrible your kids are.

My son eats ketchup on his tacos.

I win.

@Drytown1

The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.

@suntzufuntzu

Spotify has a new playlist called ‘Screams’. After 5 minutes you recognize the screams as yours. After 30 you realize you never pressed play

@ThugRaccoons

Wife: Why is the dog limping?

Me: *uncomfortable pause*

Wife: Well?

Me: Uncomfortable paws?

@WheelTod

Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.

@naomikaravani

It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.