*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday

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“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous


I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me


Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.


[home depot]

ME: do you have marble counters?

CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9

ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000


Stop talking about how terrible your kids are.

My son eats ketchup on his tacos.

I win.


The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.


Spotify has a new playlist called ‘Screams’. After 5 minutes you recognize the screams as yours. After 30 you realize you never pressed play


Wife: Why is the dog limping?

Me: *uncomfortable pause*

Wife: Well?

Me: Uncomfortable paws?


Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.


It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.