*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
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Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
oh my god
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.