[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts

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So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?


My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”


*sees guy ordering pizza*
“With onion”
(Hell yea)
(Ur dead to me)


ENGINEER: and this baby will do zero to sixty in less than three seconds

ME [admiring the infant catapult]: *nods* very impressive


therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?

me: I’m afraid I am


Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.


DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs