@steeve_again

[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts

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@abitofjoie

So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?

@Fred_Delicious

My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”

@sad_tree

*sees guy ordering pizza*
“With onion”
(Ok)
“Sausage”
(Nice)
“Mushroom”
(Hell yea)
“Chk”
(Plz)
“Meatballs”
(Why)
“Anchovies”
(Ur dead to me)

@ShortSleeveSuit

ENGINEER: and this baby will do zero to sixty in less than three seconds

ME [admiring the infant catapult]: *nods* very impressive

@mrjohndarby

therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?

me: I’m afraid I am

@MrsTomServo

Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.

@bobvulfov

DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs