ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
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*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
Me *gets interrupted mid-sentence*
“Oh, hey sorry; finish your story.”
Me *employing my usual level of maturity*: No I don’t want to now.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
If I had the power to time travel, I would mostly just use it to stop past me from eating stuff from the fridge that I’d like to eat now.
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.