[fraud trial]

Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?

Defendant: no– they all actually exist

Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*

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The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.


“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.

He screamed.

“Happy birthday!” they said.

“Do I know you?”

“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”


Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.


I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”


The scariest thing about the Cold War was the threat of getting stuck inside a bunker with your spouse.


[first day in the Coast Guard]


Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.


Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*


Sometimes words just aren’t enough.

And that’s why we have middle fingers.


Dentistry is the perfect profession for people who like to talk but don’t want a response


“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”

i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth*

*pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet