@simoncholland
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
@misfarber
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
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@simoncholland
@OmarImranTweets
“Y dnt u Muslims tell ISIS to stop”
Ok hold up *pulls out iphone*
“Yo ISIS habibi,its me plz stop”
ISIS:”ok habibi sorry,shisha tonight?”
@DannyDutch
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
@lazerdoov
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
@Mikecanrant
A guy with a locked account just asked me why I never retweet him.
Stay in school kids.
@rameshsrivats
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
@OllyiConic
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
@murrman5
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
@WeissBrandon
Everyone quits smoking when they die, which sucks cause dying is a really stressful event that would be helped quite a bit by a cigarette.
@chuuew
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE: