@misfarber

[fraud trial]

Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?

Defendant: no– they all actually exist

Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*

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@DothTheDoth

The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.

@ASmallFiction

“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.

He screamed.

“Happy birthday!” they said.

“Do I know you?”

“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”

@Mostly_Cheese

Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.

@bourgeoisalien

I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”

@Underchilde

The scariest thing about the Cold War was the threat of getting stuck inside a bunker with your spouse.

@NewDadNotes

[first day in the Coast Guard]

Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!

Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.

@stevevsninjas

Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*

@PoorEvelyn

Sometimes words just aren’t enough.

And that’s why we have middle fingers.

@Lexactly

Dentistry is the perfect profession for people who like to talk but don’t want a response

@nbadag

“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”

i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth*

*pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet