@misfarber

[fraud trial]

Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?

Defendant: no– they all actually exist

Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*

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@simoncholland

Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.

@OmarImranTweets

“Y dnt u Muslims tell ISIS to stop”

Ok hold up *pulls out iphone*

“Yo ISIS habibi,its me plz stop”

ISIS:”ok habibi sorry,shisha tonight?”

@DannyDutch

To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.

@lazerdoov

*bursts into starbucks*

Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET

Barista: yeah over there

Me: oh thank god

*plugs in a mechanical bull*

@Mikecanrant

A guy with a locked account just asked me why I never retweet him.

Stay in school kids.

@rameshsrivats

Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.

@OllyiConic

genie: you have three wishes

me: nightvision goggles

genie: dope

me: the only pair on the planet

genie: many people will be affected

me: now kill the sun

genie: dude

@murrman5

[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat

@WeissBrandon

Everyone quits smoking when they die, which sucks cause dying is a really stressful event that would be helped quite a bit by a cigarette.

@chuuew

[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE: