@DothTheDoth The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
@misfarber [fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
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@DothTheDoth 
@ASmallFiction “Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
@Mostly_Cheese Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
@bourgeoisalien I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
@Underchilde The scariest thing about the Cold War was the threat of getting stuck inside a bunker with your spouse.
@NewDadNotes [first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
@stevevsninjas Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
@PoorEvelyn Sometimes words just aren’t enough.
And that’s why we have middle fingers.
@Lexactly Dentistry is the perfect profession for people who like to talk but don’t want a response
@nbadag “my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet