Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
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if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.