Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
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“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.