Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
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I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Look at this
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.