Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
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I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.