Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
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[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
Jesus steals the winter solstice
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters