@Breadery

Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.

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@JoParkerBear

They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.

@lasergirl70

“I didn’t come here to argue.”

– people who definitely came to argue.

@ArfMeasures

Doctor: You suffer from delusions

Me: I don’t think so

Doctor: They seem real but they’re not

Stuart Little: He’s lying to you

Me: Yeah I know

@squirrel74wkgn

Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*

Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*

@ThugRaccoons

Judge: Call your next witness

Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips

Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in

@KeetPotato

[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”

@AmberTozer

Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me

@Book_Krazy

Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues

Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE

@Skoog

[naming god’s creations]

mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth

insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend

angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant

insect 7: yay!

angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater

mammal 93: ya- wait wut?

@Mr_Kapowski

Do girls that make duck faces in pictures walk in a V formation at the mall?