Freaky Friday 2:

The mom and daughter switch bodies again

The mom doesn’t go back

She keeps stealing children’s bodies

She lives forever

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If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.


Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.


My mom voice was so loud even my neighbors washed their hands & cleaned their rooms😒😒


me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no


I’m not religious but I’m spiritual, which means I think the mothman prophecy is real and I don’t feel bad about shoplifting


Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.

Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.


It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.


There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.


[lights focus on guy in interrogation room]

“Say it. SAY IT.”

*points at sign saying “Worcestershire Sauce”*


There’s nothing worse than when you tell someone it’s a long story and they reply with “I have time.”