If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
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Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
My mom voice was so loud even my neighbors washed their hands & cleaned their rooms😒😒
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
I’m not religious but I’m spiritual, which means I think the mothman prophecy is real and I don’t feel bad about shoplifting
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
[lights focus on guy in interrogation room]
“Say it. SAY IT.”
*points at sign saying “Worcestershire Sauce”*
There’s nothing worse than when you tell someone it’s a long story and they reply with “I have time.”