Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
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The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
do what now??
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.