FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
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Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
why no one uses midhusbands
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
79.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji