fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
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I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.