[Controversial and unpopular statement]
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Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
one of
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.