@Browtweaten

fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is

scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask

fred: really no idea who it is

scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–

fred: just no way to know

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@rickolantern

*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac

@mtobey

“Anybody here named Jeff?”
Jeff: “Yes”
Geoff: “Yeos”

@Fish4EDM

9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip

@MrJohnNorris

WHEN I SEE ALL CAPS I READ LIKE THE PERSON IS TALKING RIGHT BY A JET ENGINE, TELLING A CIA AGENT THAT HIS PLAN WON’T WORK…IT’S TOO RISKY

@Dawn_M_

I bought and named a star after you.

If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.

@JerkVening

Remembering the evil paraglider today. Wondering how he’s faring in all this.

@sonictyrant

Me: [totally dry monotone voice] I’m gonna get my mojo back

Mojo: still no

@not_thenanny

I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”

@KateWhineHall

My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.