*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
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“Anybody here named Jeff?”
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
WHEN I SEE ALL CAPS I READ LIKE THE PERSON IS TALKING RIGHT BY A JET ENGINE, TELLING A CIA AGENT THAT HIS PLAN WON’T WORK…IT’S TOO RISKY
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
Remembering the evil paraglider today. Wondering how he’s faring in all this.
Me: [totally dry monotone voice] I’m gonna get my mojo back
Mojo: still no
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.