@krisv_723

Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.

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@hellohappy_time

3rd base is actually watching a horror movie then looking up theories about the ending on message boards together

@juliussharpe

Google Glass, for everyone who’s ever thought, “I like that browser so much, I want it on MY FACE”

@amandalsabrook

College is cool because you get to pick what time your classes are and then still not go

@brandonIee

If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you

@JiminyKicksIt

I’m not suggesting Cher is a nazi, but at no point during “If I Could Turn Back Time” does she mention killing Hitler.

@natedog2049

Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.

@prufrockluvsong

Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.

I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.

@TheRobCee

[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”

@jessokfine

If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.