Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
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Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?