Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
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I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”