If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
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cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
American Horror Story: Public Restroom