FRED: right
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… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat