Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
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I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.