– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
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Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
Am getting real tired of your crap…