Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
You Might Also Like
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
HELP 😭
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.