@WildeThingy

Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*

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@dumbbeezie

It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need

@UncleDuke1969

[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe

[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together

[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this

[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it

[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”

@yerpalmildsauce

Here it is, folks:

“Do imaginary octopi have …

(wait for it)

(wait for it)

PRETENDACLES?”

@seanoconnz

THIS IS MY LOCKER ROOM TALK

GUY: Hey, do you know if they supply towels here?
ME: Please don’t look at me, my shirt is off.

@Snarfernini

If you ever say ‘I seen’ in a sentence. I will never sleep with you.
Under any circumstances.
Ever.*

*including zombie apocalypse

@edawg_eric

Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.

@GensPlace

I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.

@darksidedeb

I’m going bananas!

*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.

@AmishPornStar1

See ya later, alligator.

After a while, crocodile.

Catch ya mañana, little iguana.

@batkaren

Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell