[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
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Money is the root of all wealth
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters