@PaperWash

[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!

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@CAshmanActor

TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’

@UncleDuke1969

[mall]

Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.

@MichaelTrying

Before 40: stretch to prevent injury

After 40: injure self during stretching

@BoomBoomBetty

“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there

@FknVancouver

If the cure for AIDS could get you high, we’d figure it out in about a week.

@OrdinaryAlso

Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?

Me: No it was just wings.

@JohnLyonTweets

That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.