Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
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Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire