Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
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Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors