Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
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Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it