Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
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[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
Money is the root of all wealth
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
Shower sex be like:
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
There’s always that one guy
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
79.
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass