@Weird_Rash

Free hugs*

* having me let go will cost $10

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@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:7:”jtrulez”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/2982601413/d544e141d386084130a35c59ee2914e2_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”320887992258543616″;s:7:”retweet”;s:3:”208″;s:5:”tweet”;s:112:”Did you know that if you decapitate a vegan they can continue to talk about being a vegan for another 6 minutes?”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@SirEviscerate

ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.

@SamGrittner

I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.

@jazz_inmypants

what if u had to have sex every day during pregnancy to keep building the baby

@girl_a_whirl

*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*

Me: Hey babe…who did this?

Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul

Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?

@leakypod

[first day as a zoo tour guide]

kid: do giraffes eat clouds

me: yea i think so [sees coworker shaking head at me] they shake the rain out of them first tho

@theBigMvee

Kid 1 swallows coin: rush to ER

Kid 2 swallows coin: wait for it to pass

Kid 3 swallows coin: deduct from their allowance

@michaelianblack

Before we hang out, please be advised I will be spending the rest of the summer talking like Bane.