Every year on daylight savings I try to stay awake long enough to catch the government agents coming in through the chimney to change the clocks but i always fall asleep
* having me let go will cost $10
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Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
you know who REALLY dies after Infinity War? DC.
Her: You into S&M.
Her: Good. *ties him to bed post*
Him: Oh yeah.
Him: Torture me!
Her: *plays Nickelback*
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Saturday night, time to get crazy! *shuffles Uno cards*