ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
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When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.