FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
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i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front