@TheWadest

FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”

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@AmericanGent69

*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…

Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins

*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!

@sixfootcandy

(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.

@howe007

Women’s magazines:

Page 5: accept yourself for who you are

Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week

Page 12: best cake recipe

@Eric_Bader

Got laid twice in two days so either I’ve done something really good or my wife has done something really bad.

@PhilJamesson

WHEN CATS ARE SAD

Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

[first date]

him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”

me, a mermaid: can we just go

@thesulk

Just picked up an unknown call with a “Hello?” An old woman said “Joan?” So, I can cross “mistaken for a Joan” off the bucket list.