FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”

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My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.


ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.


*walks into shrink’s office with a giant jar of marbles



Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.


*types ‘snowflake’*
*types ‘snowflake’*


“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”


date: i like a lot of music but i’m really into rock

me: [trying to impress her] oh yeah me too

date: really? what’s your favorite subgenre?

me: [visibly sweating] s-sedimentary


*first date*
Her: im pretty into extreme sports

Me: cool me too! which ones?

Her: you know…snowboarding, skateboarding

Me: *sadly putting away beyblade* oh yeah me to me to


If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.


Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: Mom

Why do they even asks such dumb questions?