My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
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ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
*walks into shrink’s office with a giant jar of marbles
I FOUND THEM!!
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
date: i like a lot of music but i’m really into rock
me: [trying to impress her] oh yeah me too
date: really? what’s your favorite subgenre?
me: [visibly sweating] s-sedimentary
Her: im pretty into extreme sports
Me: cool me too! which ones?
Her: you know…snowboarding, skateboarding
Me: *sadly putting away beyblade* oh yeah me to me to
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: Mom
Why do they even asks such dumb questions?