@TheWadest

FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”

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@RaylaRimpson

My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.

@BitterOldPunk

ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.

@Vodkantots

*walks into shrink’s office with a giant jar of marbles

I FOUND THEM!!

@funnyordie

Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.

@GlennyRodge

“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.

@dubstep4dads

“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”

@notviking

date: i like a lot of music but i’m really into rock

me: [trying to impress her] oh yeah me too

date: really? what’s your favorite subgenre?

me: [visibly sweating] s-sedimentary

@ACartoonCat

*first date*
Her: im pretty into extreme sports

Me: cool me too! which ones?

Her: you know…snowboarding, skateboarding

Me: *sadly putting away beyblade* oh yeah me to me to

@junejuly12

If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.

@GrillinChillin9

Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: Mom

Why do they even asks such dumb questions?