*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…
Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
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Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
Got laid twice in two days so either I’ve done something really good or my wife has done something really bad.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
Just picked up an unknown call with a “Hello?” An old woman said “Joan?” So, I can cross “mistaken for a Joan” off the bucket list.